“How to Lose Friends and Influence”

You will reduce your chances of sucking at life by 21.72% if you avoid imitating the protagonists of the following poems…results not guaranteed.

“Fireman” or “You Lookin’ At Me?”
There’s a man who in anger will chase
All the people who look at his face.
“Avert now your gaze
Or I’ll set you ablaze!”
Says that man who’s not known for his grace.

“Pants on Fire Man”
There was an old man I once knew
Who would utter no words that were true.
When I asked him his name,
It was never the same
By the time I had counted to two.

“Tipster”
A waiter who’d gotten no tip
Appeared to be losing his grip.
“When serving the fare,
Include not your hair,”
Said the diner, “It’s quite a good tip.”

“Noisy Neighbor”
A man kept all his neighbors awake
With the noise that he nightly would make.
He would play on the sax
And then hammer some tacks
‘til the houses had started to shake.

“The Nudist”
I met once a man who’s so rude
That he walks down the street in the nude.
“I’d rather not see
Your bush and your tree,”
I said to that man who’s so rude.

5 limericks by Paul Burgess

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