“Absent Presence” or “Present Absence”

Version 1:

Although I touch your hair

and see your vacant stare,

you are not truly there.

 

Although I hold you near,

my lips against your ear,

you are not truly here.

 

The form, which I devised, consists of stanzas of iambic trimeter containing rhyming tercets. I have considered rearranging the lines to put the poem in terza rima. In terza rima it would look like this:

Version 2:

Although I touch your hair,

my lips against your ear,

you are not truly there.

 

Although I hold you near,

and see your vacant stare,

you are not truly here.

I would welcome any feedback regarding which version works best.

 

Paul

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7 thoughts on ““Absent Presence” or “Present Absence”

    1. paulwhitberg Post author

      Thank you for your feedback. I agree with you. What I like better but the second one is the interlocking rhyme scheme. Three straight rhymes makes the piece sound lighter than it is supposed to sound.

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  1. pavanneh

    I prefer the first one. The word flow is just better in the first stanza. I know what you are saying about the second one though, but it just didn’t strike a tone with me like the first one did.

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