Version 1:
Although I touch your hair
and see your vacant stare,
you are not truly there.
Although I hold you near,
my lips against your ear,
you are not truly here.
The form, which I devised, consists of stanzas of iambic trimeter containing rhyming tercets. I have considered rearranging the lines to put the poem in terza rima. In terza rima it would look like this:
Version 2:
Although I touch your hair,
my lips against your ear,
you are not truly there.
Although I hold you near,
and see your vacant stare,
you are not truly here.
I would welcome any feedback regarding which version works best.
Paul
Miscellaneous Inanities 
I prefer the second one. I’m not sure why. I think I prefer the hair with the ear, rather them the hair with the stare…
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Thank you for your feedback. I agree with you. What I like better but the second one is the interlocking rhyme scheme. Three straight rhymes makes the piece sound lighter than it is supposed to sound.
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.:-)
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I prefer the first one. The word flow is just better in the first stanza. I know what you are saying about the second one though, but it just didn’t strike a tone with me like the first one did.
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Thank you for your helpful feedback:) I am still torn about how the piece should stand…
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I liked the first version too, the repetitive feel to it – I could see the intent more clearly in that one and enjoyed the rhythm of it; the sadness etched in the words.
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Thank you. I am glad that the first version did not strike you as too “musical” for its purposes.
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