An Introductory Guide to Becoming Rich and Famous

“The New House of Fame” pts I-V”

An Invitation”
I.
The newly renovated House of Fame
Now welcomes those who once remained obscure.
There need not be a talent that you claim,
Such as painting or discovering a cure.*
If people like your clothes or fam’ly name,
Of endless press and cash you can be sure.
With luck you might become a superstar
No matter how inane and vile you are.

*Until I think of a better alternative, I will keep the ambiguous phrase “painting or finding a cure.” I am quite aware that people do not paint cures…

“Paths to the House of Fame”
II.
The journey’s smoothest for the young and lean.
First, make then leak a kinky video
And swear it was intended to be seen
By no one but your dearest Romeo.
The Lady Fame will crown you Drama Queen,
And have you join the House’s newest show.
You’ll know you’ve made it to the House’s top
When fans are paying just to watch you shop.
III.
A song might take you to the House’s stair.
Although you sound just like an ill raccoon,
You have no reason, darlings, to despair
Or practice scales and “Fly Me to the Moon.”
Undress your body ‘til it’s nearly bare,
Then dress your naked voice in auto-tune.
You’ll rise on ev’ry major music chart
By learning how to dress and play the part.

IV.
Some find the place where Lady Fame resides
By seeming to defiantly rebel.
Tattoos that cover all but their insides
Proclaim they’re* demons full of raging Hell—
As do their raps on drugs and homicides
And wicked words they normally misspell.
Although they think their ways to be unique,
Their breed of fish would crowd the largest creek.

The “they” of “they’re” refers to the those who “defiantly rebel” and not to the “tattoos;” poetic license is my excuse for allowing such an ambiguous phrases to stand. I will rid of the poem of ambiguity in later drafts.

V.
Another way to reach the Lady’s gate
Is by presenting what you think as news.
The people on your side will call you great
Whenever poison that your mouth so freely spews
Intoxicates those always drunk on hate
As if it were a pint of toxic booze.
With ev’ry “spinless” tale you dare to tell,
Your pockets, head, and shamelessness will swell.

VI.

If paths you’ve tried have seemed to always fail,
You need not perish from your heart’s distress.
Employ a crew to play the role of “tail.”
A group of followers surely will impress.
In little time, whenever you exhale,
you’ll cause a frantic frenzy in the press.
Once people see how madly you are chased,
They’ll think to praise you shows their flawless taste.