Instructions for Attending a Distant Relative’s Funeral

Another “Tasteless Greeting Card” from Paul “Whitberg” Burgess…[I would like to add that I do not necessarily endorse any of the views found in my satirical and humorous work. In fact, the following poem makes me uncomfortable. P.S. The poem IS NOT autobiographical;)]

Although you only met her once or twice,
[Perhaps she held you when you were a kid]
Just smile and say, “She was extremely nice,”
As though you knew her better than you did.
For proper form and reputation’s sake,
You must attempt to cry a flood of tears.
Although it makes one feel a little fake,
It helps avoid the scorn of kin and peers.
I might suggest some well-inserted moans
[But not enough to overdo the role,
Disturb the lady’s cold and lifeless bones,
Or irk her recently departed soul].
On finishing your bouts of tearful grieving,
…Well, I’ll assume you’ll need no help with leaving.


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