Category Archives: Limericks

“Hamlet”: a limerick

While not exactly a masterpiece, the following piece combines two of my favorite things: Shakespeare and limericks.

There once was a depressing young Dane.
It appeared he was wholly insane,
But he’d planned to seem mad
While avenging his dad
Who[m] his evil old uncle had slain.

a limerick by Paul Burgess

“A Toast to Re-Bloggers”

“A Toast to Re-bloggers”
Of the things that I treasure the most
I would count those re-blogging a post.
If one smiles at a rhyme,
I’ve not wasted my time.
To re-bloggers I raise now a toast!

a limerick by Paul Burgess

P.S.

Thank you, Jonathan Caswell–a limerick fan whose blog can be found here:http://bythemightymumford.wordpress.com/

“Undiluted Nonsense”

“G.O.A.T.”
The people from a nation of note
Elected to office a goat.
“He’s not nearly as bad
As the humans we’ve had,”
Said those who for that creature did vote.

“Holy Abstinence”
A devout man decided for Lent
That he would not be paying his rent.
While the priest did approve,
The landlord said, “Move!”
And away that good man was then sent.

“Nuns Gone Wild”
Said a monk to a sisterly nun,
“I suggest some immoderate fun.”
So they counted their beads
And then planted some seeds
While enjoying the light of the sun.

“Mother Fu…Lover”
A person was trav’ling in time
When he drank some tequila with lime.
Then he slept with his Ma
And became his own Pa
Which is odd but not considered a crime.

“Buzz”
When a man was inhaling a breeze,
In his nostrils entered some bees.
Though the bees didn’t sting,
And he felt not a thing,
He now buzzes with every sneeze.

5 limericks by Paul Burgess; “Buzz,” “Mother Fu…Lover,” and “Nuns Gone Wild Are New.” I previously posted “G.O.A.T” and “Holy Abstinence” on days 1 and 2 of my “5 Limericks a Day” series: https://paulwhitberg.wordpress.com/2014/05/16/5-limericks-a-day-to-keep-the-dr-awayday-2/

https://paulwhitberg.wordpress.com/2014/05/15/5-limericks-a-day-to-keep-the-dr-away-day-1-2/

“Conned”

“Fashion Designer”
A woman once pranced through the town
While she wore an invisible gown.
And she felt not ashamed
As she proudly proclaimed,
“The designer deserves his renown!”

“Antique Documents Dealer”
A man with a scam that was bold
Would pretend that his papers were old.
He would soak them in tea,
And— while quoting a fee—
He’d say, “Lincoln once owned what you hold.”

“Used Car Salesman”
There was once a person from Wales
Whose career was second-hand sales.
“This lovely old car
Was built for the Tsar,”
Was far from his tallest of tales.

“Unreturned”
A man asked me to lend him an ear.
I said, “Yes,” and then bought him a beer.
But he’d give it not back,
So an ear I now lack,
And I find it much harder to hear.

“Quack”
A doctor these words to me said:
“It’s a miracle that you’re not dead!
For the smallest of fees,
You’ll be free of disease
And my children on caviar fed.”

five limericks by Paul Burgess. “Used Car Salesman,” “Quack,” and “Unreturned” appear in other posts from my “5 Limericks a Day” series: https://paulwhitberg.wordpress.com/2014/05/18/5-limericks-a-day-to-keep-the-dr-away-by-paul-oburgess-day-4/ https://paulwhitberg.wordpress.com/2014/05/16/5-limericks-a-day-to-keep-the-dr-awayday-2/ https://paulwhitberg.wordpress.com/2014/05/21/5-limericks-a-day-to-keep-the-dr-away-by-paul-oburgess-day-7/

two bonus limericks by Paul Burgess [from the post “Bad Shrink”:https://paulwhitberg.wordpress.com/2014/06/06/bad-shrink/ ]

Some shrinks with credentials unreal
Do little to help one to heal.
If your itchy old sty
Says people must die,
They’ll ask, “How’s that making you feel?”

A shrink with a bogus degree
Provides what I’d give you for free.
When patients are ill
And threaten to kill,
His reply is always “I see.”

A Not-So-Lonely Person…

A man who in Utah Texas resides
Has acquired a houseful of brides.
He has one for each day
In both April and May
And perhaps a few more that he hides.

 

a limerick by Paul Burgess

Inspired by the following brilliant limerick by by R.J.P. Hewison:

There once was an old man of Lyme
who married three wives at a time.
When asked, “Why a third?”
He replied, “One’s absurd!
And bigamy, sir, is a crime.”

 

a bonus limerick on marriage (by limerick master John Ciardi)

It took me some time to agree
to appear in a film about me
and my various ex-wives
detailing our sex lives,
but I did–and they rated it G.

P.S. If you happen to believe in polygamy, please do not show up at my house with pitchforks. My official stance is, in the words of the Isley Brothers, “It’s yo thang, do whatchoo wanna do.”

“All the lonely people…where do they all come from?”

“Single, White Male”

There was once a graying old guy
Who decided to give love a try.
So, he posted an ad
That said “Lonely and sad,”
But no ladies would ever reply.

(The limerick above also appears here: https://paulwhitberg.wordpress.com/2014/05/29/5-limericks-a-day-to-keep-the-dr-away-by-paul-oburgess/)

“Raise your glasses to Teacher!”

There was once a man whose career
Induced him to drink lots of beer.
Whenever he’d teach,
There were bottles in reach
To help him endure his career.

“Drunk as a Monk”

There was once a lonely old monk
Who deep in depression had sunk.
“My time I’ll not waste
On being so chaste,”
He said once when exceedingly drunk.

“Life Stinks!”

There was once an old man who was French.
He disgusted his friends with his stench.
They avoided that bloke,
Who was making them choke,
When they saw him reclined on a bench.

“A Tailor-made Man”

A man was once full of despair
Because for him no one did care.
So he bought some new clothes
And then started to pose
As a man for whom others would care.

5 limericks by Paul Burgess

“How to Lose Friends and Influence”

You will reduce your chances of sucking at life by 21.72% if you avoid imitating the protagonists of the following poems…results not guaranteed.

“Fireman” or “You Lookin’ At Me?”
There’s a man who in anger will chase
All the people who look at his face.
“Avert now your gaze
Or I’ll set you ablaze!”
Says that man who’s not known for his grace.

“Pants on Fire Man”
There was an old man I once knew
Who would utter no words that were true.
When I asked him his name,
It was never the same
By the time I had counted to two.

“Tipster”
A waiter who’d gotten no tip
Appeared to be losing his grip.
“When serving the fare,
Include not your hair,”
Said the diner, “It’s quite a good tip.”

“Noisy Neighbor”
A man kept all his neighbors awake
With the noise that he nightly would make.
He would play on the sax
And then hammer some tacks
‘til the houses had started to shake.

“The Nudist”
I met once a man who’s so rude
That he walks down the street in the nude.
“I’d rather not see
Your bush and your tree,”
I said to that man who’s so rude.

5 limericks by Paul Burgess

“Of Mice and a Man”

On  a lighter, less didactic note…

A man with a terrible vice

is addicted to dining on mice.

He begins with the kill,

then he lights up the grill

and enjoys them on top of some rice.

a limerick by Paul Burgess

[Please forgive me if you happen to be part of a culture in which dining on mice is considered normal. Try to understand that I am not singling out your culture. If munching on mice is not a vice in your culture, please, my friend, munch on. ]

P.S. I doubt that munching on mice is a vice in most cultures. The “bad” part would be claiming to serve one meat–such as beef or pork–while actually serving mice.