Selected Limericks

This page contains limericks that I count among my best. [Of the 300+ limericks I have written, I plan to post no more than 50 here.]

“Crazy Cardinal”
A man whose behavior’s absurd
Insists he’s becoming a bird.
“In Rome, by the sea,
A card’nal I’ll be”
Says that man whose behavior’s absurd.

“A Husband Avoids Chores”
My reply when a man once did ask
To imbibe a few drops from my flask
Was, “There’s nothing to drink,
But the wife will now think
I’m too drunk to perform any task.”

“Funny Papers”
A man with a scam that was bold
Would pretend that his papers were old.
He would soak them in tea,
And— while quoting a fee—
He’d say, “Lincoln once owned what you hold.”

“Tiger Tamer”
A man who to London once came
Insisted his tiger was time.
When a swipe of its paw
Destroyed the man’s jaw,
Was the tiger really to blame?

“The Stork”
There was a young person from Cork
Who wanted a child from the stork.
In the eyes of that bird,
It seemed quite absurd
To be wooed by that person from Cork.

There was once a priest so divine
Who gave me some bread and some wine.
When fell I asleep,
He attempted to peep
At my grapes and to handle my vine.

“A Poet’s [Christmas] Gift”
A poem composed for you, dear,
Is what I am offering here.
Instead of a purse,
You’re receiving some verse
As your present for Christmas this year.

“Godly Folk”
There was a man who knew not our God
And was thought by the people quite odd.
To teach him of love,
They gave him a shove
And beat on his head with a rod.

A man who had broken some hearts
Decided to sell them at marts.
“Though unable to beat,
There’s no tastier meat,”
He’d say when promoting those parts.

 “Your Ugly Friends”
“What’s the reason I did not invite
Your friends to our dinner tonight?
To not have to pretend
That it does not offend
Me to suffer so sorry a sight.

“A Warning Label for Organ Donors”*
*In honor of classic labels that respond to and anticipate people’s fatal acts of stupidity

“You’ll be feeling so empty inside
If you donate before you have died.
‘Til the day you depart,
Keep your lungs and your heart.
By this warning it’s best to abide.”

“An Amiable Attorney”
There was once a lawyer so kind
That he’d sue all the men who were blind.
“You have not the right
To be lacking your sight,”
Were the words of that lawyer so kind.

The people from a nation of note
Elected to office a goat.
“He’s not nearly as bad
As the humans we’ve had,”
Said those who for that creature did vote.

“Gourmet Stew”
There was once a chef from Peru
Who was widely renowned for his stew—
Which he bought from a store
Then proceeded to pour
And simmer inside of a shoe.

“A Message from Your Flight Crew”
The pilot who’s now in command
Has not ever been taught how to land.
There’s no need to despair.
We’ll remain in the air
‘til in sight of some water or sand.

A woman once pranced through the town
While she wore an invisible gown.
And she felt not ashamed
As she proudly proclaimed,
“The designer deserves his renown!”

“Used Car Salesman”
There was once a person from Wales
Whose career was second-hand sales.
“This lovely old car
Was built for the Tsar,”
Was far from his tallest of tales.

“Of Mice and a Man”
A man with a terrible vice
Is addicted to dining on mice.
He begins with the kill,
Then he lights up the grill
And enjoys them on top of some rice.

“Beautiful Illusions”
There was once a man who would stare
At objects that really weren’t there.
He’d stare at his wife,
The love of his life—
A gal made of delusions and air.

“Horse Lover”
It’s said by a reliable source
That your father’s too fond of his horse.
Will he have an affair
Or just marry the mare
Once your mother agrees to divorce?

“A Wacko Hack-o”
There’s a writer who puts into print
Some works which at lunacy hint.
He’s written of bile,
Of chewing on tile,
And even of cooking with lint.

“Sister Wives”
A man who in Utah Texas resides
Has acquired a houseful of brides.
He has one for each day
In both April and May
And perhaps a few more that he hides.

“Loving Father”
There was once a priest who would pray
the following words ev’ry day:
“Be all you at peace
In Rome and in Greece
With exception of anyone gay.”

“Jack and Jill”
A doctor invented a pill
That can turn any Jack to a Jill
But turns not a Pam
Into Harry or Sam
For reasons unclear to me still.

“Um…Thanks, Doc…”
When deeply concerned for my pet,
I decided to go to the vet.
He examined her head,
Said “She’s clearly not dead,”
Then collected the fee he had set.

“Rocky Raccoon”
There was an old man from the moon
Who thought that he was a raccoon.
I awoke to a crash,
Found him eating my trash,
And proceeded to beat that buffoon.

“Holy Abstinence”
A devout man decided for Lent
That he would not be paying his rent.
While the priest did approve,
The landlord said, “Move!”
And away that good man was then sent.

“Pants on Fire”
There was an old man I once knew
Who would utter no words that were true.
When I asked him his name,
It was never the same
By the time I had counted to two.

to be continued…


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