WARNING

Since treasure rarely comes without a risk,
Peruse the side effects included here:
You might believe you are a baby deer
That’s hunted by a hungry basilisk*;
Your blood may turn to shrimp or lobster bisque,
And vital organs might then disappear;
Your back’s machine-ry, like a rusted gear,
May grind until you slip a spinal disc.

To pay for value’s one of Nature’s laws.
It thus applies to anti-aging cream.
Allow no side effects to be the cause
That makes you lack the face of which you dream.
Reduce your wrinkles, spots, and other flaws
Until your skin is smooth without a seam.

*a lethal mythological creature

Advertisement

Happy 50th Anniversary!

[Another “Tasteless Greeting Card” by Paul “Whitberg” Burgess]

The portrait gath’ring dust inside a bin—
The one for which two newlyweds once sat—
Reveals you’ve changed in only “this” and “that”
…by which I mean, he’s grown a double chin,
And hair, along with wits, are getting thin
Beneath his perspiration-dripping hat.
[…He’s not the only one who’s gotten fat
Or turned into a bag of hanging skin.]

Although you both are lacking proper teeth,
From passion’s fruits you still can take a bite.
It won’t be long before you go beneath,
So, take advantage of this special night,
And strive to win for Love a laurel wreath
By loving ‘til you perish from delight.

“Back in Granny’s Day” by Paul Burgess

When little Louie would complain,
It drove his granny quite insane.
She’d tell him, “Back in Granny’s day,
Jack the Ripper took her heart away.”

5 Limericks a Day (to Keep the Dr. Away)–by Paul O’Burgess (Day 9)

“Possession”

There was once a lad from Hawaii
Who believed in a man in the sky.
“He’s likely possessed
By Satan,” they guessed,
And afraid they became of that guy.

“Groundbreaking Anthropology”

The men from a faraway land
By custom will shake no one’s hand.
When people they greet,
They offer their feet
To be shaken instead of a hand.

“A Peruvian Visits the Cobbler’s Shop”

There was an old man from Peru
Who so deeply desired a screw.
So, he went to the store
And purchased the score
That he’d needed to mend his worn shoe.

“Pity the Aging Pimp”

I know well a graying old pimp
Who’s beginning to walk with a limp.
He’s becoming too lame
To keep at the game.
How I pity that graying old pimp!

“An Odd Drought”

There was once an old person from Spain
Who insisted on drinking the rain.
He deprived all the crops
By imbibing the drops
That inane old person from Spain.

5 Limericks a Day (To Keep the Dr. Away)–By Paul O’Burgess [Day 8]

“An Aspiring Cardinal”
A man whose behavior’s absurd
Insists he’s becoming a bird.
“In Rome, by the sea,
A card’nal I’ll be”
Says that man whose behavior’s absurd.

“Mr. ________, Teacher of Middle School English”
There was once a man whose career
Induced him to drink lots of beer.
Whenever he’d teach,
There were bottles in reach
To help him endure his career.

“Tithonus of Dell”
There was an old miser from Dell
Whose age no person could tell.
He was freakishly old
And all covered with mold
And was better to see than to smell.

“A Boring, Moral, and Clean Limerick”

There was once a man who enjoyed
To do what most others avoid.
To repay what he’d owe
And be kind to a foe
Were some things that this person enjoyed.

“A Less Boring, Moral, and Clean Limerick–About a Beaver [Castor]“

I saw once a beaver so big
It could swallow the whole of a pig.
It knew lots of tricks
With berries and sticks.
What a sight was that beaver so big!