Another “Tasteless Greeting Card” from Paul “Whitberg” Burgess…[I would like to add that I do not necessarily endorse any of the views found in my satirical and humorous work. In fact, the following poem makes me uncomfortable. P.S. The poem IS NOT autobiographical;)]
Although you only met her once or twice,
[Perhaps she held you when you were a kid]
Just smile and say, “She was extremely nice,”
As though you knew her better than you did.
For proper form and reputation’s sake,
You must attempt to cry a flood of tears.
Although it makes one feel a little fake,
It helps avoid the scorn of kin and peers.
I might suggest some well-inserted moans
[But not enough to overdo the role,
Disturb the lady’s cold and lifeless bones,
Or irk her recently departed soul].
On finishing your bouts of tearful grieving,
…Well, I’ll assume you’ll need no help with leaving.
3 stereotype-perpetuating poems by Paul Burgess [2 limerick and a “Brats” quatrain]
“An Evil Stepmother [or Stepfather’s] Threat”
“The next time you are sent to your room,
I’ll ensure that you meet with your doom.
You’ll be there alone
‘til skin falls from bone
And you’re fit to be placed in a tomb.”
“An Evil Stepmother or Stepfather’s Warning”
“If you forget to wash your own plate,
I’ll smash it on top of your pate.
If your plate’s still not clean,
I will batter your bean
With the plate off of which you just ate.”
“A Sea of Yellow Sorrows”
Incontinent was little Brett.
His mother said, when quite upset,
“To your bed, I’ll tie you down.
Keep on wetting, and you’ll drown.”