Further advice for surviving in the world of Classical Mythology, by Paul Burgess
If you’d prefer to not become a bear,
Do not let Jove remove your underwear.
[Callisto’s “crime” was having a child after being raped by Jove. For this crime, Hera turned the girl into a bear. A moral we see throughout the classics is: Do not let one of the Universe’s most powerful entities rape you…]
“Likest Thou My Facebook Post” A Shakespearean Sonnet by Paul Burgess [who’s finally put his M.A. in Renaissance Studies to use;)]
Remember now, while resting in thy seat,
How friends who hath the fame of being true
Inform themselves of what their friend doth eat
And sundry other things that friend might do.
Perforce thou needest soon that “Like” to click
If in thee doth a mote of mercy live.
For seconds, as if swords, my heart now prick
Whilst wait I for what’s only thine to give—
A “Like” to say thy care for me is great,
As care that hath a holy man for God,
When showing care of thine for my update
By clicking that’s akin to heads that nod.
If likest thou not my new Facebook post,
Of myself, anon, I’ll make a ghastly ghost.
Further advice for surviving in the world of Classical Mythology, by Paul Burgess
If Zeus decides it’s you he’d like to woo,
In time, you might be saying only “Moo.”*
*Zeus/Jove turned his love interest Io into a cow to hide her from his wife.
To guarantee* a long and happy life,
Avoid the wrath of Jove’s* vindictive wife.
*While not exactly guaranteed, long lives were more likely to be enjoyed by those who did not provoke the wrath of Hera.
*For whatever reason, Jove/Jupiter is best known by his Greek name “Zeus”.
[These epigrams might eventually add up to a survival guide for those trapped in the world of classical mythology].
P.S. While not the original source for most of these myths, Ovid’s Metamorphoses–my favorite work of poetry–is a fantastic read for those interested in the classics. I especially like Horace Gregory’s translation.
“Possession”
There was once a lad from Hawaii
Who believed in a man in the sky.
“He’s likely possessed
By Satan,” they guessed,
And afraid they became of that guy.
“Groundbreaking Anthropology”
The men from a faraway land
By custom will shake no one’s hand.
When people they greet,
They offer their feet
To be shaken instead of a hand.
“A Peruvian Visits the Cobbler’s Shop”
There was an old man from Peru
Who so deeply desired a screw.
So, he went to the store
And purchased the score
That he’d needed to mend his worn shoe.
“Pity the Aging Pimp”
I know well a graying old pimp
Who’s beginning to walk with a limp.
He’s becoming too lame
To keep at the game.
How I pity that graying old pimp!
“An Odd Drought”
There was once an old person from Spain
Who insisted on drinking the rain.
He deprived all the crops
By imbibing the drops
That inane old person from Spain.
“ALTRUIST”
In the 1600s, missionaries sent to the New World would often promise to “help” a person only if she or he would concede that the missionaries’ beliefs were “all true”–or, as the phrase was sometimes written in the 1600s, ‘al true’. Like Puritans and Quakers, Altruists initially resisted but eventually embraced the term applied to them by cynical critics.
Miscellaneous Inanities 