“Translating Babies” and “Other Family Matters” by Paul Burgess

“Translating Babies”

A Pessimistic Translator:

When babies are born they will cry
A wail that I’d translate as “Why?”
“Oh, why am I here?
And where is a spear
To help me ensure that I die?”

An Optimistic Translator:

When babies are born they will smile
A grin that I’d translated as, “While…
“[While] my parents both toil,
I’m anointed with oil
And relaxing in comfort and style.”

“Ready for Children?”

Ready for a child?

If you think you’re prepared for a child,
Your mind has perhaps been beguiled.
In details exact,
Recall how you’d act
When driving your parents quite wild.

Ready for a kid?

You think you’re prepared for a kid,
But under your memory’s lid
Are tantrums you threw
As a terrible two
And the adolescent evil you did.

“A Husband Avoids Chores”

My reply when a man once did ask
To imbibe a few drops from my flask
Was, “There’s nothing to drink,
But the wife will now think
I’m too drunk to perform any task.

A special, thematic edition of *5 Limericks a Day [To Keep the Dr. Away]*

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Profound Insights from Dr. Burgess’s Treasury of Wisdom [Installment 1]

An excerpt from Dr. Burgess’s upcoming book on developmental psychology

…Normal humans pass through several cycles before reaching maturity. They begin as helpless, pathetic creatures incapable of doing much more than crying and producing foul substances. After a few months, they reach the stage at which they become suicidal. During this stage, unsupervised young humans will attempt to stick their fingers in electrical sockets, crawl into the middle of busy intersections, and swallow inedible objects. The parents of these young humans function essentially as “suicide watches.” Once capable of walking and talking, the young humans—now called “toddlers”—focus their destructive energies not on themselves but rather on the possessions and sanity of their parents…