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“Absurd’s the Word”

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There’s a person whose greatest of joys
Is attempting whatever annoys.
Like a horse, he will neigh*
And oppose all you say
While he’s boasting of days he destroys.

*a pun, of course, on “nay”.

A drunkard’s devising a plan
To ingest all the beer that he can.
On the river he’ll float
Without using a boat,
For he’ll soon be so buoyant a man.

There was an old man on a plane
Whose behavior was wholly insane.
He removed all his clothes
And then sucked on his toes.
‘Til the pilot had landed in Spain.

A man who enjoyed a good laugh
Decided to buy a giraffe.
When struck by its tongue,
He punctured a lung
And found it more painful to laugh.

There was once a grumpy old owl
Who regarded all men with a scowl
To describe her in words,
It was said by some birds
She “was foul as the foulest of fowl*.”

*chicken-like bird; owls are not considered fowl

5 limericks by Paul Burgess

 

 

5 Limericks a Day [to Keep the Dr. Away] By Paul O’Burgess (Day 14)

Even my harsh inner critic agrees that today’s first limerick, “Heartbreaker,” is worthy of the Nonsense Hall of Fame;) I think that this is the strongest group of limericks I’ve posted since the first few days of this series. Please let me know what you think.

“Heartbreaker”
A man who had broken some hearts
Decided to sell them at marts.
“Though unable to beat,
There’s no tastier meat,”
He’d say when promoting those parts.

“Stew from Peru”
There was once a chef from Peru
Who was widely renowned for his stew—
Which he bought from a store
Then proceeded to pour
And simmer inside of a shoe.

“A Couple Climbed a Cliff, then…”
At the edge, he said, “Jump now and die!”
But the girl still refused to comply.
To make her obey,
He yodeled all day,
And she was thus persuaded to fly.

“Your Ugly Friends”
“What’s the reason I did not invite
Your friends to our dinner tonight?
To not have to pretend
That it does not offend
Me to suffer so sorry a sight.”

“A Paranormal An Abnormal Medium”
There was once a lady in red
Who believed she could talk to the dead.
She served as the host
To many a ghost
That existed in only her head.

Daily Prompt Trick Questions

Trick Questions

A Pulitzer-winning reporter is writing an in-depth piece – about you. What are the three questions you really hope she doesn’t ask you?

http://dailypost.wordpress.com/dp_prompt/trick-questions/

1. “I have not been able to find any information on that Nobel Prize that you won. Could you please direct me to a good source?”

2. [As she holds a picture of the famous person I am pretending to be…] “Your growth has truly been an inspiration to us all. Would you mind telling us how you became so much taller?”

3.  “You are put in a situation in which you can save only the life of your wife or your mother; the person you do not save will certainly die. Who do you save?”

“Egalitarian” [Devil’s Derivations/Etymologies from Hell #5] by Dr. Burgess

“Egalitarian”
“Egalitarian” was originally a term of ridicule employed by a capitalist who accused his socialist opponent of “consuming the eagles soaring above the herd.” This word, meaning originally “those who eat eagles,” was coined by analogy with “vegetarian,”* meaning “those who eat primarily vegetables and avoid eating animals.” Undergoing a type of transformation common in the history of languages, “egalitarian” became a word with positive connotations thanks to social changes and its fortuitous similarity to “equalitarian”.

*Some might suggest that “aquilavore”—“Aquila” + “vor[are]e,” modeled on “carnivore” and “omnivore”—would have been a more appropriate term than “egalitarian.” “Vegetarian,” the word on which “egalitarian” is based, raises an interesting question: “If vegetarians eat primarily vegetables, why don’t humanitarians eat humans?”

5 Limericks a Day (to Keep the Dr. Away)Day 1–By Paul O’Burgess

Day 1

1.
There was once a lawyer so kind
That he’d sue all the men who were blind.
“You have not the right
To be lacking your sight,”
Were the words of that lawyer so kind.
 
 
2.
The people from a nation of note
Elected to office a goat.
“He’s not nearly as bad
As the humans we’ve had,”
Said those who for that creature did vote.
 
3.
A man who to London once came
Insisted his tiger was tame.
When a swipe of its paw
Destroyed the man’s jaw,
Was the tiger really to blame?
4.
There was once a priest so divine
Who gave me some bread and some wine.
When fell I asleep,
He attempted to peep
At my grapes and to handle my vine.
5.
I met the philosopher Hume
And battered his head with a broom.
When he begged to know why,
I would only reply,
“To name causes I’d best not presume.”