Tag Archives: LGBT

World-Transforming Innovation

“A Devious Dealer”
A dealer’s devised a device
For transforming his foes into lice
That he puts in the hair
Of the buyers who dare
To insist that he lower his price.

“Jack and Jill”
A doctor invented a pill
That can turn any Jack to a Jill
But turns not a Pam
Into Harry or Sam
For reasons unclear to me still.

“[They Call Me] Dr. Bug”
A chemist invented some drugs
For transforming his foes into bugs.
Some exist now as bees,
While others, as fleas,
Are residing on dogs and in rugs.

3 limericks by Paul Burgess

“Jack and Jill” appeared in my earlier post: https://paulwhitberg.wordpress.com/2014/06/02/to-change-your-life-forever/

And “Dr. Bug” appeared in my earlier post: https://paulwhitberg.wordpress.com/2014/06/07/dr-bug-and-the-skunk-man-read-steinbeck-while-stopping-at-a-mole-hole-on-the-way-to-church/

To Change your Life Forever…

Read the 5 daily limericks from Paul O’Burgess’s *5 Limericks A Day (to Keep the Dr. Away)[Day 15]…shameless, I know:)
“Jack and Jill and the Magic Pill”
A doctor invented a pill
That can turn any Jack to a Jill
But turns not a Pam
Into Harry or Sam
For reasons unclear to me still.

“Voodoo Exegesis”
To render more useful a text,
The preacher its meaning quite vexed.
With mirrors and smoke,
The meaning he’d choke
‘til with magical words it was hexed.

“Diet of Worms”
On discov’ring a worm in his bread,
A man wanted to bite off its head.
It’s entirely unclear
If the head or the rear
Was the part on which that man then fed.

“A Kind Old Zealot”
There was once a man who would heed
The words of a book he did read—
Which told him to kill
The folks on the hill
To ensure they would nevermore breed.

“Piggy Wiggy”
There’s a man who ensures that he saves
The hair from his face when he shaves–
And weaves with it wigs
That he gives to the pigs
Who provide the amusement he craves.

 

5 Limericks a Day [to Keep the Dr. Away] By Paul O’Burgess (Entry12)

“Serious Content ‘Masked’ by Inane Form”

I visited an eerie old place
Where men all had masks on their face.
They appeared to smile,
But the masks did beguile
By concealing their owners’ disgrace.

“Of Men and Chicken” [An Innocent Limerick about a ‘Cocky’ Man;)]
A man who resides by the docks
Has become so enamored of cocks
That he’s tossed into fens
All his chicks and his hens
To ensure he’ll be alone with the cocks.

“Headhunter-new genre:Horror Limerick!”

I met once a man from the Alps
Who kept a collection of scalps.
Afraid as I fled,
I shielded my head
And escaped from that man of the Alps.

“A Large and Furry Cat”

The was once a girl with a cat
That was so incredibly fat
That, when it would purr,
Its jiggling fur
Would take up the whole of her flat

“Karl Marx Writes a Limerick”
There’s a man whose estate so immense
Is protected by guards and a fence,
Which ensure that the poor
Will not come to his door
To request that he spare a few cents.

 

Edgar Allan Poe, Marie Antoinette, Mary Queen of Scots, and Ernest Hemingway–4 Clerihews by Paul Burgess

“Edgar Allan Poe”
Edgar “Raven” Allan Poe
To cemeteries liked to go
And mourn the cousins lying dead
Who nevermore would share his bed. *

*While many of my clerihews are absurd, this one comes somewhat close to the truth.

“Marie Antoinette”
The queen, Marie Antoinette,
In Vegas made a foolish bet.
She wagered both her neck and head
On men forgetting what she’d said.

“Mary Queen of Scots”
Mary, lovely Queen of Scots,
Refused to sleep on hay or cots.
She cried, “This cot’s no feather bed!”
Queen Bess* replied, “Off with her head!”

*Elizabeth I’s nickname.

“Ernest Hemingway”
Insecure old* Ernest Hemingway
Was afraid that people’d think him gay*,
So he vowed he’d never leave Japan
‘til he’d fought Godzilla like a man.*

*In the first foot of each line, I have used anapests instead of iambs.
*Hemingway was the sort of “manly man” who would exaggerate his masculinity to alleviate his sexual confusion.

*I apologize for the sexist assumption that only men would fight Godzilla.

“Johnny and His Love”–a Traditional Ballad by Paul Burgess

“Johnny and His Love”—a Traditional Ballad by Paul Burgess [I think the ballad would work nicely with the music of Fairport Convention’s rendition of “Mattie Groves” https://search.yahoo.com/search?p=fairport+convention+mattie+groves&ei=UTF-8&fr=moz2-ytff-msgr

“It’s time to carry out our plan.
It’s time to run away.
We’ll meet behind the rotting barn,”
Is what Johnny had to say.

As he helped his Ma to milk the cow,
His face would never show
That he planned no more to work the farm
‘cuz away with his love he’d go.

Before his Ma retired to sleep,
He gently kissed her head.
The roar of snores was Johnny’s cue—
He grabbed his bag and fled.

No tears escaped from Johnny’s eyes
When he left behind his nest.
He only thought of how it’d feel
To stroke his lover’s breast.

In the moon, her eyes like pyrite shined
And overwhelmed him with bliss.
Behind the barn he touched her cheeks
Then began her lips to kiss.

He lost his fight with the burning urge
To touch her nether lips
And was stunned by what his fingers found
Between his lover’s hips.

Meanwhile, Ma discovered Johnny gone
And loaded up her gun
Then whispered to herself, “Lover girl
Has seen her final sun.”

As Ma approached the rotting barn,
Prepared to blow away
The girl who’d stolen Johnny’s heart,
She heard her Johnny say,

“If this had been revealed to me,
I’d not have made this plan.
For never once did I intend
To love another man.”

His love replied, “You promised me
That whatever came to pass…”
But Johnny cut her off and said,
“I thought you were a lass.”

Ma dropped her gun and confronted them,
Her eyes aglow with glee,
And addressed these words to her only son,
“That’s your prize for leaving me.”