Crazy:
There’s a man who resides in a flat
Who’s convinced he’s becoming a rat.
On his hands and his knees,
He will search for some cheese
‘til he’s met by the gaze of a cat.
…and Disgusting:
There’s a chef from the city of Cork
Who was renowned for his dishes of pork
…‘til the day it was found
He’d been serving up hound
For his diners to eat with a fork.
“A Devious Dealer”
A dealer’s devised a device
For transforming his foes into lice
That he puts in the hair
Of the buyers who dare
To insist that he lower his price.
“Jack and Jill”
A doctor invented a pill
That can turn any Jack to a Jill
But turns not a Pam
Into Harry or Sam
For reasons unclear to me still.
“[They Call Me] Dr. Bug”
A chemist invented some drugs
For transforming his foes into bugs.
Some exist now as bees,
While others, as fleas,
Are residing on dogs and in rugs.
3 limericks by Paul Burgess
“Jack and Jill” appeared in my earlier post: https://paulwhitberg.wordpress.com/2014/06/02/to-change-your-life-forever/
And “Dr. Bug” appeared in my earlier post: https://paulwhitberg.wordpress.com/2014/06/07/dr-bug-and-the-skunk-man-read-steinbeck-while-stopping-at-a-mole-hole-on-the-way-to-church/
3 stereotype-perpetuating poems by Paul Burgess [2 limerick and a “Brats” quatrain]
“An Evil Stepmother [or Stepfather’s] Threat”
“The next time you are sent to your room,
I’ll ensure that you meet with your doom.
You’ll be there alone
‘til skin falls from bone
And you’re fit to be placed in a tomb.”
“An Evil Stepmother or Stepfather’s Warning”
“If you forget to wash your own plate,
I’ll smash it on top of your pate.
If your plate’s still not clean,
I will batter your bean
With the plate off of which you just ate.”
“A Sea of Yellow Sorrows”
Incontinent was little Brett.
His mother said, when quite upset,
“To your bed, I’ll tie you down.
Keep on wetting, and you’ll drown.”
“Whale of a Tale”
A man with no vessel to sail
Once attempted to ride on a whale.
When they rose from a dive,
He was barely alive
And his skin was becoming quite pale.
“Sea Shoes for the Sea Legs”
A person who worked on a ship
Was wearing some shoes with no grip.
Since no swimmer was he,
When he fell in the sea,
The man regretted making that trip.
2 limericks by Paul Burgess…2 limericks about the sea in which there are no puns about “seamen;” I deserve a medal (j/k) 😉
2 tasteless limericks and a tasteless quatrain about pimps
[By Pimpin’ Paul Burgess…at the lowest point of his artistic career;)]
A Pimp in the Garden [parts I and II]
“Part I”
I have heard that a pimp is a man
who will water the plants when he can.
He is fond of the ‘hose’,
and it’s said by his bros
that of gardens he’s quite a big fan.
“Part II” [aka the ruh-ruh-remix]
Said a pimp, “Why would anyone think
that a person wants ‘hose’ that won’t kink?
Now, exchange these, my bros,
for some kinkier ‘hose'”
[He]then departed from Gardening Inc.
“A Pimp and a Bee—A Fable on the Value of Obsessive Consumerism”
A pimp once came across a bee
Prepared to start a stinging spree.
The pimp, alas, it could not sting—
For blinding was his shiny bling.
*The politically correct version would not work with the meter:
*”A vendor of adult pleasure is a human being
who will water the plants when he or she can.
He or she is fond of the water-spraying device (“hose”, which is homophonous with a derogatory term that vendors of adult pleasure and artists of spoken ‘music’ enjoy using in reference to women)
etc…
[Blame my wife for the terrible “Pimp” limericks…I was watering her plants when the terrible pun on “hoes”/”hose” begged me to write a limerick in which it was featured…]
$ 🙂 ? $ 😦
Since my boss had been giving me praise,
I decided to ask for a raise.
She said, “Don’t be absurd!
I’ve meant not a word.
Your position will pay what it pays.”
a limerick by Paul Burgess
Note: This series of absurd limericks was inspired by the odd love affairs in Ovid’s *The Metamorphoses*.
“Cut Friends”
There’s a man who’s convinced that a knife
Has agreed to becoming his wife,
But the love that he’s made
To the handle and blade
Has endangered his limbs and his life.
“Herpetological Heartache”
There’s a man who resides by a lake
Who has fallen in love with a snake.
When he asks for a kiss,
It replies with a hiss,
And his heart then begins to ache.
“A Bride from Hell”
A gal who in Hell did reside
Was once asked to become a man’s bride.
Although eaten by worms,
She agreed to his terms,
And he’d nightly repose by her side.
“Cocky”
A man who resides by the docks
Has become so enamored of cocks
That he’s tossed into fens
All his chicks and his hens
To ensure he’ll be alone with the cocks.
“Of a Mouse and Man”
A man was in love with a mouse
And suggested she become his new spouse.
With a ring made of cheese,
He proposed on his knees
But was told she’d not marry a louse.
5 limericks by Paul Burgess
“Cocky” was originally posted as the 12th entry of my “5 Limericks a Day” series: https://paulwhitberg.wordpress.com/2014/05/30/5-limericks-a-day-to-keep-the-dr-away-by-paul-oburgess-entry12/
There’s a person whose greatest of joys
Is attempting whatever annoys.
Like a horse, he will neigh*
And oppose all you say
While he’s boasting of days he destroys.
*a pun, of course, on “nay”.
A drunkard’s devising a plan
To ingest all the beer that he can.
On the river he’ll float
Without using a boat,
For he’ll soon be so buoyant a man.
There was an old man on a plane
Whose behavior was wholly insane.
He removed all his clothes
And then sucked on his toes.
‘Til the pilot had landed in Spain.
A man who enjoyed a good laugh
Decided to buy a giraffe.
When struck by its tongue,
He punctured a lung
And found it more painful to laugh.
There was once a grumpy old owl
Who regarded all men with a scowl
To describe her in words,
It was said by some birds
She “was foul as the foulest of fowl*.”
*chicken-like bird; owls are not considered fowl
5 limericks by Paul Burgess
I know a small dog whose delight
Is barking at all that’s in sight.
At the end of the day,
Her barks seem to say,
“No one will be sleeping tonight.”
a limerick by Paul Burgess
P.S. This limerick is based on real events…
While not exactly a masterpiece, the following piece combines two of my favorite things: Shakespeare and limericks.
There once was a depressing young Dane.
It appeared he was wholly insane,
But he’d planned to seem mad
While avenging his dad
Who[m] his evil old uncle had slain.
a limerick by Paul Burgess
Miscellaneous Inanities 