Tag Archives: media

Servants of Higher Culture [ENTERTAINMENT NEWS]

[“Servants* in the House of Fame”] from The New House of Fame by Paul “Whitberg” Burgess

You’ll have attendants noting what you eat
And writing on how many times you chew
While others talk about your famous feet
And ponder how you tie a tennis shoe
Or what you wear when on the toilet’s seat
Or—if you’re British—going to the loo.
The House’s servants busily will strive
To analyze all moments you’re alive.

[Some servants buzz, as busily as bees,
about one’s style of skirt or party dress
and if it complements her waist and knees.
Another servant writes a merry mess
about her blouses and accessories–
or if she should apply more blush or less.
(Without the gossip that they write and say,
How would we ever make it through the day?)
And given slightest knowledge of details,
the servants analyze one’s luck in love:
“It seems a famous marriage always fails
–As though an order came from high above–
When Mister wears a coat that’s lacking tails,
And Missus wears a single gloomy glove.
By body language one is not misled.
Observe the way he holds his handsome head.”
These clever critics serve our planet’s cultures–
with witty charm and penetrating sight–
(…As carcasses are served by kindly vultures. )
Productive words they say on shows or write
Construct their classic, tow’ring verbal sculptures
(…Less salutary than a serpent’s bite. )
Their words on what a star will do or wear
Defend our souls from dismal, dark despair.]


“Tragic Woes of Being Famous”

or “The Sufferings of the House of Fame’s Residents” [selections from Part II of The New House of Fame by Paul Burgess]

Although the House is large, you might complain
And call its spacious rooms a sort of jail
With pleasures not enough to soothe the pain
Of being trapped without a chance of bail.
And , truly, who wouldn’t start to go insane
From tortures such as answ’ring vexing mail
From fans who’d better pay for all you own—
Then kindly leave you and your friends alone?

At times, you’ll find your servants* tiresome, too
And say each one is like a prison guard
Observing and reporting what you do.
You should obtain a good attorney’s card
And learn the noble art of How to Sue.
Since, by their gossip, Pride is scourged and scarred,
Ensure a servant fond of talk atones
For stories keeping meat upon your bones.

*The Press.

Some days you’ll feel the bar is set too high,
For Fame requires such grueling daily steps:
…mascara put by pros above each eye…
…reclining while a stylist gently preps
Your hair. And who’d not rather ail or die
Than talk to teams of image-shaping reps?
To these, I’d add the pain of staying fit—
A torture even if you’re paid for it.

“In ways, it’s best to be among the poor,”
It’s said by stars who envy woes they* lack,
Along with:“Who critiques the clothes they wore
Or how they decorate a humble shack?
They have some peace when walking through the door–
But it’s reported when I eat a snack.
They also have such painless, easy jobs
And liberty to always look like slobs.

Oh, double-edged and schizophrenic Fate,
You mixed up mess I call both “charm” and “curse”!
This house contains so many things I hate,
Yet, well I know I’d rather have the hearse—
If not a deathly catatonic state—
Than leave behind my plat’num -plated purse.
Sometimes I wish I’d not been born
Or that I’d never leaked my private porn. *”

*The poor
*See “Paths to the House of Fame” [I.2]

This section–like the rest of the poem–will continue to grow.

If you enjoy these stanza, please read the larger, ever-growing poem of which it is a part:


“Justin Bieber’s PR Rep Explains”

…[in rhyming iambic tetrameter (as all good PR reps tend to do…]

Delirious from scarlet fev-er,
My client, Mister Justin Bieb-er,
Recorded clips one tragic day
About him joining triple K—
Canadian for “Kylie, Kim,
And Kourtney”—all admired by him.
His words have been quite misconstrued,
And his defamers will be sued.