Further advice for surviving in the world of Classical Mythology, by Paul Burgess
If you’d prefer to not become a bear,
Do not let Jove remove your underwear.
[Callisto’s “crime” was having a child after being raped by Jove. For this crime, Hera turned the girl into a bear. A moral we see throughout the classics is: Do not let one of the Universe’s most powerful entities rape you…]
Further advice for surviving in the world of Classical Mythology, by Paul Burgess
If Zeus decides it’s you he’d like to woo,
In time, you might be saying only “Moo.”*
*Zeus/Jove turned his love interest Io into a cow to hide her from his wife.
“Venus/Aphrodite Turns ‘Forgetful’, Insufficiently Grateful Hippomenes and Atalanta into Lions” [Practical Morals from Mythology”] by Paul Burgess
If gods provide in any way for you,
Be sure to thank them each instant or two.
If Neptune rapes you and Minerva wakes,
She’ll turn your silky hair to slimy snakes.
To guarantee* a long and happy life,
Avoid the wrath of Jove’s* vindictive wife.
*While not exactly guaranteed, long lives were more likely to be enjoyed by those who did not provoke the wrath of Hera.
*For whatever reason, Jove/Jupiter is best known by his Greek name “Zeus”.
[These epigrams might eventually add up to a survival guide for those trapped in the world of classical mythology].
P.S. While not the original source for most of these myths, Ovid’s Metamorphoses–my favorite work of poetry–is a fantastic read for those interested in the classics. I especially like Horace Gregory’s translation.
You will become your canines’ food
If, by some chance, you see a goddess nude. *
*In classical mythology, Actaeon, separated from his hunting party, accidentally comes across the goddess Diana while she is bathing. The kindly goddess immediately turns him into a stag, and his friends and hunting dogs kill him when they see him.
Miscellaneous Inanities 