Absurdity is flowing through my veins,
And, when they’re mined, it freely rains
Along with blood and other stuff I bleed.
If you enjoy these poems that you read,
I want no shiny payment for my pains.
If not, I’ll see that you are promptly billed
For each and ev’ry precious drop I’ve spilled.
Inspired by a comment made by Luccia Gray [ http://lucciagray.com
“A Devious Dealer”
A dealer’s devised a device
For transforming his foes into lice
That he puts in the hair
Of the buyers who dare
To insist that he lower his price.
“Jack and Jill”
A doctor invented a pill
That can turn any Jack to a Jill
But turns not a Pam
Into Harry or Sam
For reasons unclear to me still.
“[They Call Me] Dr. Bug”
A chemist invented some drugs
For transforming his foes into bugs.
Some exist now as bees,
While others, as fleas,
Are residing on dogs and in rugs.
3 limericks by Paul Burgess
“Jack and Jill” appeared in my earlier post: https://paulwhitberg.wordpress.com/2014/06/02/to-change-your-life-forever/
And “Dr. Bug” appeared in my earlier post: https://paulwhitberg.wordpress.com/2014/06/07/dr-bug-and-the-skunk-man-read-steinbeck-while-stopping-at-a-mole-hole-on-the-way-to-church/
3 stereotype-perpetuating poems by Paul Burgess [2 limerick and a “Brats” quatrain]
“An Evil Stepmother [or Stepfather’s] Threat”
“The next time you are sent to your room,
I’ll ensure that you meet with your doom.
You’ll be there alone
‘til skin falls from bone
And you’re fit to be placed in a tomb.”
“An Evil Stepmother or Stepfather’s Warning”
“If you forget to wash your own plate,
I’ll smash it on top of your pate.
If your plate’s still not clean,
I will batter your bean
With the plate off of which you just ate.”
“A Sea of Yellow Sorrows”
Incontinent was little Brett.
His mother said, when quite upset,
“To your bed, I’ll tie you down.
Keep on wetting, and you’ll drown.”
“G.O.A.T.”
The people from a nation of note
Elected to office a goat.
“He’s not nearly as bad
As the humans we’ve had,”
Said those who for that creature did vote.
“Holy Abstinence”
A devout man decided for Lent
That he would not be paying his rent.
While the priest did approve,
The landlord said, “Move!”
And away that good man was then sent.
“Nuns Gone Wild”
Said a monk to a sisterly nun,
“I suggest some immoderate fun.”
So they counted their beads
And then planted some seeds
While enjoying the light of the sun.
“Mother Fu…Lover”
A person was trav’ling in time
When he drank some tequila with lime.
Then he slept with his Ma
And became his own Pa
Which is odd but not considered a crime.
“Buzz”
When a man was inhaling a breeze,
In his nostrils entered some bees.
Though the bees didn’t sting,
And he felt not a thing,
He now buzzes with every sneeze.
5 limericks by Paul Burgess; “Buzz,” “Mother Fu…Lover,” and “Nuns Gone Wild Are New.” I previously posted “G.O.A.T” and “Holy Abstinence” on days 1 and 2 of my “5 Limericks a Day” series: https://paulwhitberg.wordpress.com/2014/05/16/5-limericks-a-day-to-keep-the-dr-awayday-2/
https://paulwhitberg.wordpress.com/2014/05/15/5-limericks-a-day-to-keep-the-dr-away-day-1-2/
Oh, Army Worm, for years you serve the corps,
You’ll be repaid with poison that they’ll pour.
And Soldier Ant, although you serve the State,
One day they’ll point and say, “Exterminate!”
Insignia you wear on valiant chests
Will not deter those branding you as pests.
An officer will enter and salute
With orders saying only, “Execute.”
And once you’re through with gruesome dying gags,
There’ll be no burial, no folded flags.
Courageous ants and worms, your fate is clear:
You set the date when choosing your career.
As much as I would like to claim some profound meaning for this poem, I must insist that it simply is–as it appears to be–an odd word game combining animal names, pest control-related concepts, and military terms.
–Paul
Below is a poetic recap of this epic tale of heroism and obscurity:
Ann the Famous, John the boy unknown—
The girl’s a perfect hero on a throne.
While John of ants and gravity has died,
The fame of Ann is trav’ling far and wide.
Paul Burgess
[The child’s handwritten story was first shared by storytimewithjohn.com: http://storytimewithjohn.com/2014/05/31/ann-the-famous-and-john-the-unknown-part-ii/
I never expected to write anything inspired by a preteen in Korea…
For reasons I can’t explain, this delightfully odd piece [from http://storytimewithjohn.com ] made me laugh quite a bit:
I am well past the point of attempting to understand these ramblings.
There’s a writer who puts into print
Some works which at lunacy hint.
He’s written of bile,
Of chewing on tile,
And even of cooking with lint.
Although no one reads them, I must continue to post limericks until the 200+ that I have written are all on my blog:D Coming soon: a series on writing poetic forms. The series will begin with a guide to writing limericks:) [To adapt a phrase from the great blues artist John Lee Hooker, “Let that boy write his limericks, ‘cuz he’s got it in him, and he’s gotta get it out.”]
“Lonely, Single, and Sad”
There was once a graying old guy
Who decided to give love a try.
So, he posted an ad
That said “Lonely and sad,”
But no ladies would ever reply.
“Slick Dick”
I read once to gain more insight
About Nixon’s account of that night.
The words in that book
Say the man’s not a crook,
And clearly a book’s always right.
“Swiss Kiss”
There’s a girl from the land of the Swiss
Who attempted to give me a kiss.
But the size of her lips,
Is as vast a ship’s,
So, I politely declined the girl’s kiss.
“Who Pays for Praise?”
Those who’ve read the limericks I write
Have experienced deepest delight.
That’s what they all say,
Perhaps ‘cause I pay
Those people to praise what I write.
“A True Story”
I’ve started to write me a blog
To be cherished by human and dog.
The people will clap,
And the canines will yap
With glee when perusing my blog.
When little Louie would complain,
It drove his granny quite insane.
She’d tell him, “Back in Granny’s day,
Jack the Ripper took her heart away.”
Miscellaneous Inanities 