5 Limericks a Day (to Keep the Dr. Away)–by Paul O’Burgess (Day 9)

“Possession”

There was once a lad from Hawaii
Who believed in a man in the sky.
“He’s likely possessed
By Satan,” they guessed,
And afraid they became of that guy.

“Groundbreaking Anthropology”

The men from a faraway land
By custom will shake no one’s hand.
When people they greet,
They offer their feet
To be shaken instead of a hand.

“A Peruvian Visits the Cobbler’s Shop”

There was an old man from Peru
Who so deeply desired a screw.
So, he went to the store
And purchased the score
That he’d needed to mend his worn shoe.

“Pity the Aging Pimp”

I know well a graying old pimp
Who’s beginning to walk with a limp.
He’s becoming too lame
To keep at the game.
How I pity that graying old pimp!

“An Odd Drought”

There was once an old person from Spain
Who insisted on drinking the rain.
He deprived all the crops
By imbibing the drops
That inane old person from Spain.

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Wholesome Verse for the Little Children [“Little Willie” and “Brats,” Installment 2] By Paul Burgess

3 Little Willies and a Brat

1. So empty was wee Willie’s head,
He’d do whatever others said.
Mom screamed, “In traffic go and play,”
And Willie did it right away.

2. In a tire decided Will
To go rolling down a hill.
The story’s ending can’t be told
‘cuz no one knows to where he’s rolled.

3. “Confess now Willie how you’ve sinned,”
The priest implored, but Willie grinned
And with these words then refused,
“Tell me, how many boys you’ve abused.”

4. From Father’s flask beneath the sink,
Rebellious Ralphie snuck a drink
Of what he’d thought was gin or wine
But found to be some turpentine.

5 Limericks a Day (To Keep the Dr. Away)–By Paul O’Burgess [Day 4]

“A Helpful Doctor”

A doctor these words to me said:
“It’s a miracle that you’re not dead!
For the smallest of fees,
You’ll be free of disease
And my children on caviar fed.”

“A Feast with a Priest”

There was once a pious old priest
Who gave me some bread with no yeast.
But finding it flat,
The bread I then spat
And was met by the scowls of the priest.

“The Value of Hand-Eye Coordination”

There was once a toddler so dumb
That he put out his eye with his thumb.
He’d desired a suck,
But so bad was his luck
That he put out his eye with his thumb.

“Bills and Kills”

There was once a man from the hills
who neglected to pay all his bills.
When repo men came,
That man with no shame
Prepared for them drinks mixed with pills.

“Extraterrestrial Pests”

There was an old man from the moon
Who thought that he was a raccoon.
I awoke to a crash,
Found him eating my trash,
And proceeded to beat that buffoon.

5 Limericks a Day (to Keep the Dr. Away) [Day 3]–By Paul O’Burgess

“Sex Ed.?”
There was a young person from Cork
Who wanted a child from the stork.
In the eyes of that bird,
It seemed quite absurd
To be wooed by that person from Cork.

“A Kindly Priest”
There was once a priest who would pray
the following words ev’ry day:
“Be you all at peace
In Rome and in Greece
With exception of anyone gay.”

“A Representative’s Plight”
A Rep, who’d become quite annoyed,
Asserted: “This bill should be void!
If more taxes I paid,
I’d have one less maid,
And a person would be unemployed.”

“Marie Antoinette”
Marie, when preparing to die,
Was heard to declare with a sigh,
“I’d lose not my head,
If only I’d said,
To the mob, ‘Oh, let them eat pie.’”

“A Well-Stocked Kitchen in the Middle East” [Today’s ‘dirty limerick;’ it is only dirty if, unlike its angelic author, you are perverted and hell-bound;)]

There was once a gal from Iraq
Who had her so lovely a rack.
Its space did suffice
To hold ev’ry spice
Required for cuisine in Iraq.

5 Limericks a Day (to Keep the Dr. Away)Day 1–By Paul O’Burgess

Day 1

1.

There was once a lawyer so kind

That he’d sue all the men who were blind.

“You have not the right

To be lacking your sight,”

Were the words of that lawyer so kind.

 

 

2.

The people from a nation of note

Elected to office a goat.

“He’s not nearly as bad

As the humans we’ve had,”

Said those who for that creature did vote.

 

3.

A man who to London once came

Insisted his tiger was tame.

When a swipe of its paw

Destroyed the man’s jaw,

Was the tiger really to blame?

4.

There was once a priest so divine

Who gave me some bread and some wine.

When fell I asleep,

He attempted to peep

At my grapes and to handle my vine.

5.

I met the philosopher Hume

And battered his head with a broom.

When he begged to know why,

I would only reply,

“To name causes I’d best not presume.”