“Don Juan”

“I’ve been Narcissus–gazing at the pool,
Enchanted by the ghost reflected there,
Manipulating others like a tool
So they’ll assure me that my type is rare.
Those beautiful faces that have tempted me
Have never earned their share of guilt and blame.
They’re mirrors showing what I want to see,
Illusions forced to fit inside my frame.
The Siren songs I always curse and scorn
[Once pleasure’s poison has destroyed my ear]
Are like a skillful servant on a horn
Who’ll play the melodies I want to hear.
The charming predator inside’s been loosed,
and I’ve become seducer and seduced.”

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“Love (but not in LOVE)”

“Honest Greeting Card #1” [from the Tasteless Greeting Cards Sonnet Sequence]

Although your inner beauty means a lot,
That side of you is only half the truth.
Your loving’s never really made me hot,
And, dear, I need some fire to light my youth.
You’re like the men I’ve read about in books—
The type to be a fine and faithful friend
And selflessly conceal his mournful looks
When Madame weds the Baron at the end.
Although you’re not the man of whom I dream,
I hope we’ll be the best of any pals.
Perhaps I’ll call to vent and blow off steam
And talk to you just like I do “the gals”.
I’d keep your tender heart and clever head
But spare myself from going to your bed.

Poor

From The New House of Fame

The House is found on Paradise’s shore
Away from nations called “Reality”.
You’ll never look upon the puny poor
Whose days are filled with bleak banality–
Including picking dimes up off the floor
To pay the trains or buses’ trifling fee
And working sev’ral dreary daily jobs
To buy oneself some frozen corn on cobs.

Impoverished people, honest stars believe,
Have sunken low ’cause low they’ve always aimed.
The wisest stars, who never would deceive,
Insist the lowly lice should be ashamed
For envying what famous folks receive.
Who’d not agree with all they’ve sagely claimed?
They’ve worked so hard to earn their billion bucks
By playing chance and giving secret sucks .

Odd Couples

Note: This series of absurd limericks was inspired by the odd love affairs in Ovid’s *The Metamorphoses*.

“Cut Friends”
There’s a man who’s convinced that a knife
Has agreed to becoming his wife,
But the love that he’s made
To the handle and blade
Has endangered his limbs and his life.

“Herpetological Heartache”
There’s a man who resides by a lake
Who has fallen in love with a snake.
When he asks for a kiss,
It replies with a hiss,
And his heart then begins to ache.

“A Bride from Hell”
A gal who in Hell did reside
Was once asked to become a man’s bride.
Although eaten by worms,
She agreed to his terms,
And he’d nightly repose by her side.

“Cocky”
A man who resides by the docks
Has become so enamored of cocks
That he’s tossed into fens
All his chicks and his hens
To ensure he’ll be alone with the cocks.

“Of a Mouse and Man”
A man was in love with a mouse
And suggested she become his new spouse.
With a ring made of cheese,
He proposed on his knees
But was told she’d not marry a louse.

 

5 limericks by Paul Burgess

“Cocky” was originally posted as the 12th entry of my “5 Limericks a Day” series: https://paulwhitberg.wordpress.com/2014/05/30/5-limericks-a-day-to-keep-the-dr-away-by-paul-oburgess-entry12/

A Not-So-Lonely Person…

A man who in Utah Texas resides
Has acquired a houseful of brides.
He has one for each day
In both April and May
And perhaps a few more that he hides.

 

a limerick by Paul Burgess

Inspired by the following brilliant limerick by by R.J.P. Hewison:

There once was an old man of Lyme
who married three wives at a time.
When asked, “Why a third?”
He replied, “One’s absurd!
And bigamy, sir, is a crime.”

 

a bonus limerick on marriage (by limerick master John Ciardi)

It took me some time to agree
to appear in a film about me
and my various ex-wives
detailing our sex lives,
but I did–and they rated it G.

P.S. If you happen to believe in polygamy, please do not show up at my house with pitchforks. My official stance is, in the words of the Isley Brothers, “It’s yo thang, do whatchoo wanna do.”

“Johnny and His Love”–a Traditional Ballad by Paul Burgess

I want to see what clicking “Press This” does…[feel free to read my goofy ballad…]

“Johnny and His Love”–a Traditional Ballad by Paul Burgess.

“Why Mars Is Red…”

Inspired by Homer, Ovid, and the following post by CP Singleton: http://cpsingleton42.wordpress.com/2014/06/06/fridayfacts-11-june-6th/
“Mars in Love”
A Sonnet Explaining why Mars is Red

Some might assume he wears a rusty red
Because his lust for restless, raging war
With blood has dyed his garments’ ev’ry thread,
And red he has become from skin to core.
But truly, Mars, despite his brutal fame,
For more than blood alone has felt some care.
His reddish hue was caused by rueful shame.
When Vulcan revealed the god’s affair,
The tender place inside his broken heart
Was touched whenever Ares gave a thought
To Venus and him being kept apart
Or to infamy that for Love he’d bought.
Though from the snare of Vulcan he’s released,
To blush the warring God has never ceased.

 

by Paul Burgess

[The story of the love affair between Mars/Ares and Venus/Aphrodite comes from mythology, and the idea that Mars is red because of guilt, grief, and shame (especially for making his lover infamous) come from the addled head of Paul Burgess.]

“Taylor Swift”

Vindictive Missus Taylor Swift
Provided her career a lift
With spiteful songs about the guys
Who’d spent some time between her thighs.

a clerihew by Paul Burgess

…“Pills” gave me chills, so for a lift…a bit of “Taylor Swift”

“Killing Two Birds”

I love birds and find killing them with stones to be barbaric. Nevertheless, I am not opposed to the figurative killing of two birds with one stone. Here are two “bird” limericks I wrote during the earliest days of my blog:

“An Aspiring Cardinal”
A man whose behavior’s absurd
Insists he’s becoming a bird.
“In Rome, by the sea,
A card’nal I’ll be”
Says that man whose behavior’s absurd.

https://paulwhitberg.wordpress.com/2014/05/22/5-limericks-a-day-to-keep-the-dr-away-by-paul-oburgess-day-8/

“Sex Ed?”
There was a young person from Cork
Who wanted a child from the stork.
In the eyes of that bird,
It seemed quite absurd
To be wooed by that person from Cork.

https://paulwhitberg.wordpress.com/2014/05/17/5-limericks-a-day-to-keep-the-dr-away-day-3/

Now that I am picking up more readers, I am inclined to share some of the earliest posts from the days when I was writing for a few family members and acquaintances. I hope you all will not mind:)

“Jove and Arcadian Callisto” [Practical Morals from Mythology]

Further advice for surviving in the world of Classical Mythology, by Paul Burgess

If you’d prefer to not become a bear,
Do not let Jove remove your underwear.

[Callisto’s “crime” was having a child after being raped by Jove. For this crime, Hera turned the girl into a bear. A moral we see throughout the classics is: Do not let one of the Universe’s most powerful entities rape you…]